D’var Torah – Embracing our imperfections in lockdown

Written by Rabbi Hannah Kingston — 4 May 2020

When bubonic plague was spreading through London in 1665, Isaac Newton returned to his birthplace near the town of Grantham and self-isolated. During his year of quarantine, Isaac Newton invented the mathematical system calculus. When this did not suffice in curing his boredom, he drilled a hole in the shutter of his bedroom window, to which he held a prism and discovered that white light was made up of every colour.  And finally, as if all of that wasn’t enough, he watched the apples drop from the trees outside his window, and casually discovered gravity. Three things in one year of isolation that completely shaped the future of science.

 

Now in our seventh Shabbat in our own quarantine we are facing increased pressure to be more productive, to spend every second of our long and dragging days doing something new and exciting. In reality this time spent in our own homes is often not free time at all, and for many of us it is an accomplishment that we have made it through yet another a day.

 

As our daily routines have been disrupted completely, it is natural to be far less productive. We are limited by the constraints of our houses, with their spotty wifi signals, and suffering under pressures of unexpected childcare, and new household demands. When this is paired with the constant barrage of distressing news stories, it is no wonder that many of us end each day feeling overwhelmed and exhausted rather than prolific.

 

Yet human nature leads us to compare ourselves to others, to hold ourselves to their ideals of quarantine, to push ourselves to be better, find new skills, learn a new language or take an online course.  We are consequently plagued with feelings of inadequacy and self-doubt when our own limits don’t measure up.

 

Midrash Leviticus Rabbah teaches us, “As human beings, we are often ashamed to use imperfect vessels.  Not so with the Holy Blessed One.  We are all broken, and we are all God’s vessels.”

 

We are often afraid to expose our vulnerabilities. We cover our feelings, attempt to put on a brave face, and in doing so put up a barrier between ourselves and the world.  Whilst this act may help us to feel safe, it stops us from embracing the beauty that can be found in the individual. God made us to be imperfect, that is the essence of being human. It is those imperfections which make us who we are.

 

The routines of our Jewish life help us to embrace the broken parts of ourselves. Every morning when we wake up, we thank God for our bodies, the parts that still function, our souls that return to us and make us who we are. The prayer for the gift of our bodies ends with the chatimah, ‘blessed are you God, who heals all flesh and performs such wonders.’ It works to remind us that our bodies are a wonder, that continue to function for us. But it also reminds us that each and every one of us is in need of healing.

 

Our quarantine experience does not need to be ground-breaking, it does not need to be perfect. We do not need to come out of it fitter, or slimmer, or with new skills. Rather, now we need to survive. We do this by being kind to ourselves, by learning to feel comfortable with our imperfect way of living during this time and feeling able to admit that this is hard. And as isolation draws out, and the light at the end of the tunnel feels further away, we need to feel able to ask for help, even if we thought we didn’t need it at the beginning.

 

As we turn to our shabbat supplements, we prepare to sing the version of Asher yatzar composed by Dan Nichols. The words were written to help us remember that God made us this way, imperfect in need of healing. We accept that being broken is part of our existence, and that is ok. We welcome the parts of us that are flawed and vow to live every day to the fullest extent that we can, embracing the struggles that we face along the way.

Blessed are you God, who heals all flesh and performs such wonders.